I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
