If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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