I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
