a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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