mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
