I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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