Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
