I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
