watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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