Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize