I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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