Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
