I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
