He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
