i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
