She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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