I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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