remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
