I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize