just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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