Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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