Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
