maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
