When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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