If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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