I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
