My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
