Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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