Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
