Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
im on a boat
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