She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
