Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just want nice things and good sex
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
