I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
