Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
