My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just had sex on a roof
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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