i don't like sucking hair
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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