i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My liver is preforming stress tests.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
