awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
