something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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