Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
