Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
