we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
