I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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