Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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