I seem to have left my pride at pride
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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