I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
