Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
