my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
