hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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