I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Randomize
