dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize