That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
