Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
