how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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