she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize