I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Randomize
