Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
