My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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