Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
