My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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