Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
