Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The uberlube is also flammable
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
