White coat. Heels.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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