you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize