I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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