As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
FUCK WHALES
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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