all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
