I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
