I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
