Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
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